Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
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My 8yo wants to make her tween sister鈥檚 birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life鈥檚 problems is not more cake.
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she鈥檚 had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She鈥檚 outsmarted us all. She鈥檚 a little velociraptor.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
My kids do not talk to me like I鈥檓 their best chance of an organ donation.
I can鈥檛 stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
馃摳: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
I鈥橫 COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real