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I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.