I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
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Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
That’s a good costume, I hope.
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
Lmao