I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
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What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster