me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
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*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.