[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
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If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.