Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
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My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
This made me chuckle.
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
Well. That’s not a good sign.
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.