Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
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Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
I don’t make the rules sorry
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
This makes total sense…
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?