My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
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ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this