What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
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Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
Haha good job!!
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
called in thicc to work this morning
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.