i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
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Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
If you know, you know 😂🚔
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?