Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
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Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.