Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
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If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
im 7 sauces long
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?