I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
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My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?