My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
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I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
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A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
Brands during Pride
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I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.