My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
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Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
A Match(.com), but for socks.
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.