WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
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You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
No, I don’t think I will.
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?