Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
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I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!