Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
You Might Also Like
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.