Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
You Might Also Like
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks