women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
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Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
#NeverForget
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus