God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
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Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me