I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
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Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.