Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
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Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
Oceanography is all about current events
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
Think I pulled my liver
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here