There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
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I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.