An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
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If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up