Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
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Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.