Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
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hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”