When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
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My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”