Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
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I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms