[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
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Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.