No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
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If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
Match dot com, but for socks.
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
I’m about to risk it all
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.