I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
You Might Also Like
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog