Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
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Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?