[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
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My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy