WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
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I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.