There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
You Might Also Like
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
black phone good
💁🏻♂️
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
Mornin
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
A few days ago, the girls down the street knocked on our door and asked “is Nerys in?”, so I called her and she came out to see them. For the first time in my life I felt like a real dad.
Nerys is a dachshund.
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
I feel it
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*