My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
You Might Also Like
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
*praying for world peace*
God:
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
Ken is short for chicken
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course