WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
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Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run