I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
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I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.