Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
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DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?