My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
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In Canada they just call them geese
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
You had me at “define legal”.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.