Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
You Might Also Like
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
Shower sex be like:
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.