The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
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Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
🙀🙀🙀😹
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
omg leave her alone
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?