Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
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Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
I have questions??
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.