UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
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No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.