One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
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Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy