Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
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Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game