Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
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My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted