Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
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“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.